Tuesday, May 29

true story

Let me set the scene. It's a Wednesday. Last Wednesday, in fact, and it's sunny and beautiful in that way where you feel the changing season on your skin. It was 6:30, and I was wearing jeans & a tee and listening to my ipod as I walked up Ave A to meet friends. Catfish Haven was playing as I walked -- my favorite song, "Madelin."

So, ready? Have you got all the relevant details straight in your head?

Me: God, I love this song. And, not just because it's about me.

Oh, hey! You know what would be great? I mean, if I were a big geek, I'd figure out a way

Guy's Voice from a few feet behind me: You should smack her ass.

Me: to snip this song. So it was just the chorus, "oooooh, Madelin"

Guy's Voice #2: heh. heh. [ominous chuckles] No, you. heh. Shut up, she's gonna hear. You smack it.

Me: And then it could be my ringer! Oh, that would be hot... Or annoying. It would definitely be annoying when it rang at work.

Wait. What the hell are those guys talking about?

Guy's Voice: No, she can't hear a thing. Smack it.

Me: What's going on? [stealthily removes one ear bud]

Guy's Voice #2: Uh oh. You see that? Smack it now.

Me: oh, my god. This is definitely not happening. They're definitely talking about someone else. Or a movie. Maybe a Law & Order shoot?

Guy's Voice #1: Now she hears.

Me: Oh, my god. [alertly speed-walks into entryway of bar] If they follow me, I'll scream fire. Yeah. And turn and kick, and gouge out their eyes. What else did my dad tell me to do? Where is the bouncer?!

Guy # 1 & Guy #2: [continue walking, past the bar, the Key Food, and across the street]

Me: I need a mountain dew and a tequila shot.

True story. Let's just remember this the next time someone sighs, and says: New York's just not the way it used to be. Except most likely, that person will be me, reminiscing about the '80s & '90s, when walking was always an adventure, there were no yuppies in Carroll Gardens, and every red light meant an interaction with that corner's squeegee man.

Wednesday, May 16


If you Google "world's laziest person" you'll find yourself here. I like that I'm not the top result -- that would be too industrious.

Wednesday, May 9

I would be riding my bike today, except...

The good news: My bike hasn't been stolen. The bad news? It's trapped -- perhaps forever. (My bike is the pink one, currently being humped by the blue raleigh.)

Tuesday, May 1

Art Brut: Top of the Pops

You should be reading Eddie Argos' blog over at the Guardian. Here's an excerpt that'll prove why. And this isn't even the funniest bit.
It's funny that I'm writing a blog. I have a huge fear and mistrust of the internet since the first time I used it in my local library. When it failed to work halfway through the work I was doing, I rushed over to the librarian in a panic, convinced I'd broken the internet, with visions running through my mind of world economies collapsing and my face on the front of the Daily Mail, headlines screaming "THIS IDIOT BROKE THE INTERNET, HANG HIM". Eventually, when I found the librarian, she calmed me down and explained to me that I hadn't broken the internet, just the computer I was working on and that perhaps the next time I used the computers I should ask her for help. Reading this back to myself now, even though it happened to me and I know it's a true story, it does sound a lot like the plot of the new Die Hard film.