Thursday, October 25

How I Almost -- But Not Really at All -- Dated Someone Famous

I once had a coworker who really, really wanted to be my mentor. I still don't know why. But nearly every day, there was IM-sent advice. And not just any advice. Her words of wisdom would have put me on a path far away from my own predictions for my life. [That's not, of course, to say that I knew where I was going with my life then. Or, even, that I know what I'm doing now.]

“Grasshopper! You should work at Conde Naste,” would read a typical IM, sent before we’d even had coffee. Later on, more IMs: “Men’s Vogue! You'll be great. I'm going to call some people.” This, despite the fact that I get twitchy when I’m not dressed in jeans, never have been capable of vomiting, and respond terribly to criticism and negative reinforcement.

The best was when she wanted me to date her friend. But not just an old friend from college or a coworker from a previous job. No. My mentor wanted to set me up with Gary Shteyngart. This was not a date that ever happened; there just isn't enough alcohol to have gotten either of us through the "getting to know each other" portion of the date.

Here's a little chart to show how the small talk would have gone:

[OK, while it would be sorta funny if the small talk was a blank space, there really is a chart. Just keep scrolling, and feel free to mock my lack of HTML skillz.]

Has sold millions of copies of his two bestselling booksHas sold many books, at Bookcourt bookstore
Is RussianWould have had a Russian last name if her wacky grandfather hadn’t changed it.

Went to Oberlin
Went to Brandeis. (Ok, finally, something we possibly have in common: Liberal colleges.)

Is “as funny as a young Evelyn Wagh” and wrote a book that’s “remarkable”; “brilliant”; “not to be missed.”
Occasionally makes people laugh, generally while they have a half-surprised expression on their face. Was once described as “sassy.”
Wrote a NYT notable bookWrote many essays in college. Excellent email writer. Sporadic teller of stories here.