“Grasshopper! You should work at Conde Naste,” would read a typical IM, sent before we’d even had coffee. Later on, more IMs: “Men’s Vogue! You'll be great. I'm going to call some people.” This, despite the fact that I get twitchy when I’m not dressed in jeans, never have been capable of vomiting, and respond terribly to criticism and negative reinforcement.
The best was when she wanted me to date her friend. But not just an old friend from college or a coworker from a previous job. No. My mentor wanted to set me up with Gary Shteyngart. This was not a date that ever happened; there just isn't enough alcohol to have gotten either of us through the "getting to know each other" portion of the date.
Here's a little chart to show how the small talk would have gone:
[OK, while it would be sorta funny if the small talk was a blank space, there really is a chart. Just keep scrolling, and feel free to mock my lack of HTML skillz.]
|Has sold millions of copies of his two bestselling books||Has sold many books, at Bookcourt bookstore|
|Is Russian||Would have had a Russian last name if her wacky grandfather hadn’t changed it.|
Went to Oberlin
|Went to Brandeis. (Ok, finally, something we possibly have in common: Liberal colleges.)|
Is “as funny as a young Evelyn Wagh” and wrote a book that’s “remarkable”; “brilliant”; “not to be missed.”
|Occasionally makes people laugh, generally while they have a half-surprised expression on their face. Was once described as “sassy.”|
|Wrote a NYT notable book||Wrote many essays in college. Excellent email writer. Sporadic teller of stories here.|